[Writing Prompt] Everything you read becomes real.
Bed Time Story
“If you don’t tell a story I’ll hold my breath until I turn blue!”
Bobby’s threat struck about as much fear into my heart as a moth threatening to fly into a bonfire. Actually, I found the idea of Bobby holding his breath to unconsciousness fairly appealing. That would be one kid down and only two more to go.
Of course the little shit wasn’t good for it, but at least he went a few seconds without yapping incessantly.
That didn’t stop Jasmine and Daryl though.
“Mom always reads us a story. Always!” Jasmine wore a look of abject disappointment. Daryl seemed to take offense at my having offended Jasmine and chimed in with a redundant “Always!” of his own. Then Bobby, cheeks inflated, making his face look like a flesh balloon, popped after ten seconds.
“Was that two minutes?” Bobby asked, his fat cheeks ruddy, breathing heavily, his eyes gleaming with imbecilic pride.
All three of us turned to shoot him a withering glance before Jasmine stepped back into the fray as if nothing fundamentally idiotic had just been asked. “Why? I just don’t understand. Why won’t you do it?”
I found it remarkable the sheer conviction with which all three of these eight year old children were fighting for their right to hear a bed time story. Jasmine in particular argued with all the impassioned righteousness of a world class attorney.
“I just don’t read stories, OK?” It was a stupid reason, but what I supposed to say? If I read you a story everything I say will happen? Sometimes the truth is, quite obviously, not the best policy.
Bobby eyed me suspiciously, up and down, and then leaned over to Jasmine and said in a stage whisper “He can’t read.”
This seemed to break Jasmine’s heart and her entire demeanor shifted on a dime. “Oh no. You can’t read, can you? Oh no, Henry!”
“I can read Jasmine.” I stole a look at the clock. Two more hours until my brother and his wife got home from the opera. Two more hours of this torture.
Jasmine was not convinced. “That’s really sad Henry. And weird, cause you’re in law school. But really sad.” Dylon, always ready to mimic Jasmine, nodded sadly alongside her.
Bobby seemed to swell up with pride again. “I can read. I’ve read a whole book before.”
I know I shouldn’t get argumentative with children, especially when they’re giving you an easy out like this. If it was just Dylan and Jasmine, I would have happily, with feigned sadness, admitted the deepest darkest secret of my fake illiteracy.
But dammit do I hate Bobby, that chubby little shit.
“Really Bobby?” I am kicking myself mentally as I speak, but I don’t stop. “What ‘book’ did you read?”
Bobby pales a little. “It was a book.”
I know I’ve got him now. “Which book Bobby?”
Bobby looks down at his feet and mumbles something. I lean forward. “What was that Bobby, I couldn’t hear you.”
Bobby looks me in the eye defiantly and puffs out his fat cheeks as he blurts the title. “Everybody Poops! It was Everybody Poops.” The others laugh, so Bobby doubles down. “But at least it’s a book! You’re so dumb you can’t even read!”
I like to think of myself as a grown up, but I suppose my behavior speaks for itself. I go to the bookshelf and start sifting through all my brother’s books, looking for something safe. Finally, I find what I’m looking for, take the book, sit down, and open it to a random page.
“Fine, you guys want a bed time story. Watch this.”
Without another word, the kids staring at me completely perplexed, I begin a word for word dramatic rendition of Julia Child’s recipe for beef bourguignon from “The Joy Of Cooking.”
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